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Wrath of the Titans
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Written by Dan Mazeau and David Johnson from a story by Mazeau, Johnson, and Greg Berlanti based on the 1981 screenplay by Beverley Cross
Warner Bros., 2012

Wrath of the Titans looked better than its original trash-heap Clash of the Titans released a couple of years ago at the height of the get-rich-quick, 3D-conversion craze just by looking at the previews.  But Wrath of the Titans actually out-sucks the original by a fairly wide margin.  What looked like would be a leaner, meaner, monster-heavy battle orgy is just yet another confused, lazy action film made for the masses who don’t care whether the film could have been way, way better.

From the end of Clash comes the opening of Wrath: the people aren’t praying to the gods anymore, which include Zeus (Liam Neeson), Hades (Ralph Fiennes), Ares (Edgar Ramirez), and Poseidon (Danny Huston).  And the gods were the primary defense of the people against the prisoners of Tartarus, horrible monsters who are springing from the Earth and ready to wreak havoc for a few seconds before they’re unceremoniously killed and we don’t know what the hell they can do.

They’re being killed by the half-god, half-man Perseus (Sam Worthington), who would rather just be a dad to his son, but hey, monsters…so he’s going to go all Braveheart on these devil-spawned bastards.  There’s the idea that Hades and Zeus’ father Cronos could awaken and be the unbeatable evil that his name conjures, and Perseus feels like as a half-god, he has no chance.  Oh wait, here’s some advice from Poseidon: You just have to find another half-god!  Two half-gods make one full god, that’s in the Bible somewhere.

The other half-god is Poseidon’s son Agenor (Toby Kebbell), who is introduced like Jack Sparrow or Han Solo, some sort of scoundrel we can rally behind because he’s such a cheeky rogue.  But, unfortunately, Agenor is not this kind of guy.  He’s a bit of comic relief I guess, but he’s no hero.

Things get really bad when Hades and Ares decide to imprison Zeus, and all hell is ready to be unleashed on the world.

But, come on.  How many times do we see some awesome monster show up, only to get easily manhandled?  It’s the absolute worst of easy video-game logic, like the audience needs no tension whatsoever, like we’re just drawn to the idea of a scary monster but we don’t want to see what it could possibly do, or we’d get upset.  Believe me, none of these bad guys pose any threat, and the most laughable of them all is Cronos, unleashed to look scary and then get vanquished almost as soon as he appears.

God-awful garbage here from the director of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Darkness Falls, and last year’s very disappointing Battle: LA.