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No, no.  That’s not a real picture from this weekend’s Primeval, but considering the movie hasn’t been shown for critical review (by garsh, why not?), pictures are hard to come by.  I think the above picture will suffice, though.  It encapsulates the movie.

Tim Manfrey (Dominic Purcell) is sent to Africa to capture a Super Croc, along with a sensationalized story, along with cameraman Steven (Orlando Jones) and producer Aviva Masters (Brooke Langton, cute as always).  Oh but wait, there’s more conflict: remote areas of Africa aren’t good for tourists, but great for bloodthirsty dictators, and those who thought Blood Diamond was too preachy might be glad they were spared the critic’s screening when they hear Steven say, “White people don’t care about black-on-black violence just around the corner, not to mention 6000 miles away!”

Yes, I guess the troubles of Africa are solely an American white man’s neglect.  Oh, but we can’t think about that right now…there’s a freaking huge croc out there, mate!  According to our helpful Steve Irwin-ish crocodile hunter, the huge beast will eat until it gets sick, and then throws up, so it can eat again.  Alarming.

Guys, you don’t need a review to tell you that this sucks.  You could see the signs early: January horror movie, not shown to critics, and Jurgen Prochnow is in it.  In a movie like this, you see the boredom in everyone’s faces, the lack of verve behind the camera, and that pitiful why-do-you-make-me-do-it comparison to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws and Jurassic Park.  You can practically see everyone’s paycheck waiting for them at the end of every scene.

At least Orlando Jones is pretty funny at times, but even his best jokes are wasted when you realize what you’ve gotten into.  If you want a bad movie about crocodiles that’s fun to watch, go rent Lake Placid.  It’s a hundred times better than this.