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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
Directed by Bill Condon
Written by Melissa Rosenberg based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer
Summit, 2011

Twilight is like a Tyler Perry movie. I’m a white male in his thirties, it’s not for me.  But my question is, does a movie’s heartthrobs constitute a teenage girl’s willingness to sit through a pure, uncut albatross of junk?  There are cheaper ways to look at Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and any of the other sexy dudes that “grace” the screen in Twilight, and way more entertaining I imagine.  I mean, I remember a movie called Barb Wire that starred a young Pamela Anderson and I didn’t see a whole bunch of horny dudes sitting through that horrible action flick.

Also, wasn’t Breaking Dawn the “black sheep” of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight novels?  Reaction was kind of, “That sucked,” and “WTF?”  Yet, it’s pretty clear that Twilight: Breaking Dawn will be a box office bonanza, and it’s separated into two parts, and of all the movies I’ve ever seen separated into two parts, this one needs it the least.  Part 1 is a stale, dreadful story with vampires, werewolves, and sex.  How can you make those things boring?

I’ll tell you how: by getting two of the main characters hitched and send them off to Rio to play chess.  Well, there is the matter of the sex that is so angry and violent that it tears the bedposts down.  That sounds a lot more awesome on paper than it actually is on screen.  Edward Cullen (Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart), are married after a wedding and ceremony that is painful to watch.   It’s especially painful when seeing Oscar-nominated and gorgeous Anna Kendrick fumble through lines that beg for mercy.  She says something about Edward “not falling for the girl on the volleyball team,” but I heard, “get me out of here, I am way too good for this,” and she blinked her eyes twice, which is military code for, “I am being held at gunpoint and all of my friends are dead in a ditch.”  Charlie Swan (Billy Burke), Bella’s dad, says something about having access to guns a few times, so you better watch out Edward.  Ha, ha…dads.

Werewolf Jacob (Lautner) is still mired in teenage pissery, taking his shirt off to go run somewhere when he feels bad.  He’s none too pleased that Edward and Bella are going to Rio to bang each others’ brains out, which is what they do, in-between games of chess.  Edward is upset that he is causing bruises on Bella during their furious animal sex, but Bella is totally OK with it.  In fact, I think if you’re a couple that likes to bone extremely hard, that girl can take some bruises, which is a part of being married.  Here are the acceptable bruising techniques with one’s wife: Bruises during sex, bruises during “you didn’t make me dinner on time,” bruises “because I’m drunk and a failure.”  Love bruises: They show you care.

With all that honeymoon ugly-bumping, Bella gets pregnant, which is a bad thing because now she has a potential vampire growing inside of her.  The pregnancy will kill her, so the next 45 minutes of the movie are dedicated to showing Kristen Stewart in a sickly state, and a bunch of people trying to figure out how she might survive.  Meanwhile, the werewolves are pissed.  I needed some clarification from someone who knew the books.  Apparently, the werewolves and vampires have a pact about not killing humans, so I guess unplanned, unexpected pregnancy and fetuses that should know better are listed somewhere in the agreement.  This is where I officially declared the movie stupid.  The whole impending battle is based on this?  No one meant any harm, let’s battle?  Oh yeah, there is the matter that this is personal to Jacob and the baby could be dangerous to both sides.  That reason I accept more than some nonsense agreement about “not harming humans,” and this pregnancy having anything to do with that.

By the way, I’m still confused as to what’s so special about Bella, which is not an original thought at all.  But a girl with slightly above average looks, almost zero interests, personality, sense of humor, or proper fellatio skills is being fought over by a vampire who has been waiting “100 years” for her and a totally buff werewolf that could probably get any girl he wanted just by demonstrating that he is a totally buff werewolf?  I’ll ask the question Heath Ledger asked in 10 Things I Hate About You, “Does this girl have beer-flavored nipples or something?”

From there, Jacob has to make a decision that might divide his pack, and there’s a “surprise” cliffhanger ending, one that we saw a mile away but we trudged toward it like Thelma & Louise asking, “If there were only some way we could avoid this cliff that’s a mile away.”

Here’s the thing: this movie is broken up into two main parts:

1. Wedding/honeymoon.  Some sex, we’re told it’s furious, but it’s pretty chaste on screen.  Keep that PG-13 rating, boys.  Chess.

2. Terms of Endearment, without the humor.

One action scene.  And a scene in the credits that begs, why didn’t you just put this in the fucking movie?

Total, abject garbage.  I watched the end of this movie and said, “Really, there’s more?”