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I saw everything that came out last year (2005), and I had a list of about thirty films to choose from to enter into the Bottom 12 list.  This year, I went easier on myself, and I missed a good portion of movies that easily could have been considered.  Not surprisingly, though, I still came up with a pretty big list of bad movies, and had a difficult time ranking one worse than the other.

Basically, if I could find any redeeming qualities in the ranked films, I moved them higher.  So, for pure trashy ridiculousness, Basic Instinct 2 will not be appearing on this list.  But it was considered.  Here, ladies and gentlemen, are the movies that made me squirm and hate being a projectionist.

12. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

The biggest hit of 2006 was, to me, one of the biggest misfires ever, one where I thought I was in The Matrix and I had been pulled out of my embryonic cell while I observed everyone else in perfect bliss.  I hate watching a movie and thinking of cool things the characters could do, and then they do something else, not nearly as clever.  Way too self-aware and too many nods to the first movie sealed the deal as this being one of my least favorite.

11. The Black Dahlia

Brian De Palma’s collision with author James Ellroy appeared to be a match made in Heaven, and the awesome trailer for this seemed to agree.  But then, watching Josh Hartnett fumble through this movie in a would-be-intriguing murder mystery that is more focused on the “love triangle” between he, Scarlett Johansson, and a terrible Aaron Eckhart (contrast this performance with Thank You For Smoking, and wonder what went wrong) made this an uncomfortably long experience.

10. Date Movie

Somehow, nine other films ended up beating this on my list.  One of the unfunniest parody movies you’ll ever see, one that takes the Zucker Brother formula and decides, to hell with actually trying to make people laugh, let’s just stick in a whole bunch of movie references that we know people will get, and by rule, will suddenly feel smart and will be tricked into liking the movie.  Worse still, I actually feel the filmmakers feel they are being smart with this stuff.  Add to that, gags with almost no context, just thrown at you; the worst, combining Kill Bill and an out-of-nowhere reference to Dodgeball.  My point is, if that’s funny, then any other reference that could have been stuck there would be funny.  Why not Citizen Kane?  Boy, Epic Movie looks like some more of the same ol’ crap.  Please don’t see it.

9. The Omen

This awful remake sticks in a kid so evil and annoying, no jury would convict you for drowning him in a pool in front of a bunch of nuns.  One of the most ridiculous aspects of this movie is that the kid says nothing…does anyone not notice this?  Does anyone say, “Maybe this kid needs some therapy?”  The kid freaks out in the back seat of a car while it drives close to a church…and well, boys will be boys I guess.

8. The Wicker Man

Another awful remake, from none other than Neil LaBute, who made In the Company of Men and Your Friends & Neighbors, so this is a natural part of his evolution.  In an acting job I’m sure even Nicolas Cage himself found hammy, Cage becomes terribly, unintentionally funnier as the movie progresses, which by the way, is a snoozer until they finally get to the “big surprise.”

7. Deck the Halls

Many critics wouldn’t even bother putting something that is generally perceived as bad on their list; most of the time, it involves movies that should have been better and failed.  Not me.  Bad is bad, and Deck the Halls is the umpteenth holiday movie to come out with this neighbors/friends-hate-each-other-but-then-learn-the-true-meaning-of-Christmas junk.  It gets mention for the mere lack of creativity.

6. Zoom

Give a bunch of kids some powers and call it a movie.  Where The Incredibles, and Sky High, and Harry Potter all become engaging through inventiveness, Zoom tries to be those movies, Men in Black, and Galaxy Quest and misses the landing.  Almost nothing was in this: story, characters, or action.  Just a bunch of people playing make believe.

5. Underworld: Evolution

The original made my list, and by rule, the second and even worse sequel must make it.  Werewolves and vampires once again do battle with guns; that’s pretty stupid.  Then there’s some sort of amulet that some new, freshly revived supernatural baddie wants.  When we talk about supernatural and immortality, what the hell else do these beings need?  Seriously, folks.  I’m asking.  An amulet, now?  Come on, it’s got to be better than that.

4. The Covenant

The Covenant’s plot?  A bunch of kids descended from witches have power…but at 18, they get more power!  What is this…this power?  Well, no one in the movie sure as hell knows, and the turned-18 antagonist really doesn’t help, either; all we know is that he’s got power and more of it, and wants even more after that.  Power is like a drug, an addiction.  Wow.  Well, got us there.  Seeing as how these guys can pretty much do anything, including crash a car into a rig and make the car come back together, it really made me wonder what more power would be like.  The final battle is stupid and so is the plot device that saves the day.  Were there really three other movies worse than this?

3. Shortbus

In a word, yes.  John Cameron Mitchell apparently thinks that putting real sex in a movie, including some stuff that probably would make a porn star blush (I’m dead serious), makes the movie all by itself.  Apparently nothing has to be exciting, and all the characters can be whiny, depressing dumbasses, as long as you put in something “daring.”  Much like 2004’s The Brown Bunny, I don’t care what kind of titillation you supposedly have in store: boring is freaking boring, dude.

2. Bloodrayne

It couldn’t be a worst list without Uwe Boll’s contribution, an alleged tale of vampires based on a semi-popular video game.  Boll is one of those guys who lazily makes a film, and when he gets savaged for it he says, “What did you expect?”  Well, this excuse just won’t do; I don’t care how many critics he knocks out in a boxing ring (yes, this actually happened).  If “What did you expect?” is a good excuse, then I’ll use it at work tomorrow when I take a crap on my manager’s desk.

1. The Grudge 2

Nothing was as stupid as this movie this year.  The scene in which an obviously not-well (or for that matter, part of this world anymore) character drinks an entire carton of milk and then vomits it back, only to be asked, “Are you OK?” was the most insulting piece of garbage I had seen in a long time.  There are so many scenes where I shrugged and said, “Who cares?”  Especially when the father is holding on to a knife so tightly his hand starts bleeding.  Oh, so scary.  And what the hell do these ghosts do, anyway?  They come out of nowhere at times, and then they don’t kill anyone.  But then sometimes they do, for no reason other than to advance the “story.” (I could barely write that without laughing)  Easily the worst of the year, and I’ve got Uwe Boll’s shitsterpiece on this list.

Other retrospective posts for 2006:

The Top 12 

Other Observations